What does it mean to love in one's own language, you are probably wondering … ?
Does it mean, that I have to speak to my life partner or spouse in a different language for them to feel loved ?
What is this so called love language? Is it like the common perception that French, is the language of love … ?
Do I have to learn a different foreign language for this ?
Simply, the answer is a resounding "NO" to all of the above given questions …
To be able to answer the question properly, first we need to understand what are the languages of love.
Psychological research has shown throughout the years that, there exists 5 Love Languages known to man, of which we can proclaim "love" and/or show appreciation best to each other… These 5 love languages are as follows:
– Words of Affirmation
– Quality Time
– Acts of Service
– Gifts
– Physical Touch
It's a widely common misconception, that if we say to our spouse, or our loved one, the words "I love you", that should be sufficient to transmit your love to them … Oh boy aren't you mistaken …
While, you might be extremely sincere whenever you say the words "I love you" to your loved one & you genuinely mean every word, however, it might not come across as such to your partner, simply because, each person values appreciation in a different way/perception than the other. This statement holds true for both men & women alike.
Let me further explain …
Words of Affirmation, this means always giving a positive feedback to your loved one on any trivial or significant activity they make or undergo regardless of its magnitude, worth, or value, to you or to the society itself.
Meaning, that you always give positive encouragements, through constantly giving constructive feedback to your partner, regardless of the activity he/she makes if any, to further push them in the direction of success and greatness.
To some people, constantly building them up through positive feedbacks, i.e. words of affirmation, is really showing them how much you love them, i.e. the words "I love you", is only transmitted through them, through your positive constructive feedback on their behavior, attitudes, regardless of what they do or what you are hoping for them to do.
For example, to give your spouse praise for being able to take care of a certain housework that needed to be done in the house, even for something as trivial as fixing the doorknob or installing a light bulb in the kitchen for example.
Or, praising your wife for the amazing meal she made for you & your household, after she returned from a very long day at work, even if the food wasn't great, at least praise her attempt for trying to please you despite being exhausted all day at work. This is not lying or hypocrisy, you are praising her effort of trying to please you despite her exhaustion & very busy schedule.
Quality Time, some other times, that's what speaks the most "I love you" to your partner …
Spending quality time with your spouse, could be the only way that you can actually express love to your significant other, whether it's by sitting together at a coffee shop simply talking, at the dining table in your house, on your couch, or doing a certain activity both of you together at the same time.
The focus of course is not on the activity itself, but rather, on the time spent with each other doing that activity with each other, hence, a feeling of oneness is emerging between the both of you, which creates this "love" atmosphere, among your midst, while enjoying the wonderful company of each other …
Acts of Service, sometimes is all what is needed to portray love to your significant other …
This could be as simple as washing the dishes for your wife, taking the trash out at night, sweeping & mopping the floors, fixing doorknobs, the iron table, replacing a lightbulb in the dining hall, or painting the wall.
It could be some chores to be done in the house, or taking the car to the mechanic to be fixed, or taking the kids from school or to their music or soccer practice lessons.
In short, it is doing something for your significant other physically that would alleviate a certain pressure from their backs, taking a responsibility away from them so that they can feel more relaxed, not tensed all the time so that, they can be more relaxed & further blossom with you & your family.
It could be something trivial as getting the grocery before coming to the house, or passing by the pharmacy to get a medicine, or simply driving her father to or from the airport on a weekday, while she is at work …
Think wisely, what's the thing that your spouse is constantly asking for & do it for him/her, as it will speak "love" to them, much more loudly than simply saying "I love you"… It will literally mean the world to them …
Gifts, just as the word implies, to simply get a gift for your significant other, in the majority of the time this is something that women needs more than men. For you to show appreciation for your spouse by presenting her with a gift & it doesn't have to be something very expensive, but it could be something as simple as getting her a flower on your way back from work, or simply making her a card cut out of cardboard written on it was your own handwriting dedicated to her.
Use your imagination & depending on your budget you can easily satisfy this emotional need for your spouse, it could be a special stone you found by the beach early in the morning at 7 AM, with her full knowledge that you went on the beach specifically to get her something specific or you can make it a surprise as you return from your morning walk on the beach, or it could be something as expensive as a diamond :-)
The value is not in the gift itself, the value is in the "idea" of actually thinking about her, and getting her something special to make her feel special & she is actually constantly on your mind … You don't always have to spend a fortune on the gift, but from time to time & if you are able to afford it, then it will be a nice gesture for you to show extra appreciation on specific events, such as her birthday & your anniversary …
Physical Touch, while the widely misconception, always associates physical touch to sexual activity, however, physical touch is not only related to that …
A physical touch emerges from the simplest, tenderness, soft, gentle feeling of holding hands, a warm hug, never letting go of your arms, a pat on the shoulder, a feeling of physical closeness & oneness and of course by mutual consent, a physical activity between the married couple.
To some people, simply holding hands while being very close to each other, might mean the world to them, and it could even be of more value to them than the actual sexual activity …
Sexual activity, is meant to be the last fulfillment of love in a marital relationship, not the sole "bondage" in the relationship, which is a common misconception as previously mentioned.
God Almighty, Enabled such a possibility for a man & his wife, to express the outermost, fulfillment of love for each other, by the act of sexual intercourse, but it's never meant to be "the only way" to give or to receive love by any means. That is why it was important to explore the real meaning behind "physical touch."
As you can see in the preceding examples, simply saying the words "I love you", might have no meaning at all for someone, while it could mean the world for another & in the majority of cases, the husband & the wife speak different love languages, in the same marital relationship.
As a matter of fact, it is very rare for both the husband & the wife to speak the same love language, but if this is the case, then it wouldn't be a problem for either one of them to speak & portray "love" to each other; as they would both express love for their opposite partners as they would love to receive it as well & it will work perfectly fine.
If this is not the case however, you will need to pay extra attention to the way that your husband or your wife best receives & perceives the meaning of the words "I love you", in the love language they understand best.
If you don't know the love language of your spouse, be very alert to their "needs" and their most common or often request, or the constant emotional need they lack or ask for the most within the marital relationship … If ever in doubt, simply ask your partner about his/her love language …
I believe if you are newly married, you should have a very big idea what is the love language of your spouse, because that's probably what you have spent your engagement period finding out about each other …
If you have been married for a long time, look for clues your spouse gives you of what they need or what they lack, whether around the house, or something that would ease life for them …
We need to be very careful & deliberate in the way we portray the true meaning of love to our loved ones & the gravity it withholds the best way possible for our life partner to perceive it correctly in the love language they understand the most; i.e. to put our love into actions.
That's why it's no secret that the saying foretells that "actions", speak louder than a million words …
And an action given in love, will speak endless love songs to your significant other & will make his/her cup overflow & assures them of your true, deep & sincere love towards them …
May your lives always be blossoming & nurtured with The Love of Jesus Christ our Lord & the sincere true love towards each other.
Bless you in The Name of the Lord.
humbly,
Emmanuel Ghali (Mano)
Accredited Christian Counselor, AACC
Comments